Devils Love Happiness

Gone.

2010-03-07T19:05:00.000-08:00

Weeks had passed.
Too many things happened.
Everyone, everything is all everywhere.
No directions; no instructions.
Blindly knocking here and there.
Bruises all over.
No living enthusiasm.

CNY

2010-02-15T05:12:00.000-08:00

There's no CNY mood at all.
I totally cant sense it.
Nvm since i cant celebrate also.

I witnessed it.
His departure is the end of everything.
The united-ness that we once used to have.
The laughters that we once used to have.
It is truly a bad hit on the family.
The bonding will never be there anymore.

Today everything just appeared in a cold way.
The warmth that used to be aren't around any more.
Everywhere is cold and heartless.
Is really heart piercing to witness that.

I WANT YOU BOTH BCK!!
I MISS YOU BOTH BADLY!!!
WE ALL MISS YOU BOTH BADLY!!!
Definitely i know is impossible.
The family that we once had is now cold and soon it will be got.!!

ARGH!!!!!!!!!
Beyond salvage, there's nothing that can be done.
:'(

Bye.

2010-02-06T02:15:00.001-08:00

Bye.

The clock is ticking

2010-01-26T06:11:00.000-08:00

I guess is time i stop every single thing.
Since i witnessed the difference, why should i cont to feel.
I really don understand myself.
It has always been so obvious just that i blinded myself out.
I choose not to face it.
Now, reality speaks.
I'm tired.
No more continuation.
Just a full stop to end it all.
I wont speak a single word anymore.
Hurt myself is still better than hurting other.

It came.

2010-01-21T17:33:00.001-08:00

I'm just too tired to think of things now.
Too many things to deal with.
Everything is piling up.
I've no time.
It still remained in my mind.
I cant take it out.
Maybe i should just forget about it but it seems pretty hard and harsh.
I shall just let things go on and not ask a single question.
I need to focus on my work before it really get humongous.
I need to !!!!!!

Have i done the right thing??

2010-01-14T07:17:00.001-08:00

It came upon, i followed suit.
I wonder if i have done the right thing?
Reading that book, it opened my mind.
I thought differently about things.
Changed my perception.
Nevertheless, it still dropped upon.
No rantings, no nagging.
I just do as said.
Initially i din feel the pain.
Slowly the pain came by.
My heart shattered, i teared.
I know this day will arrive.
Maybe it came at the right time?
Short tern pain equals to long term gain.
I really hope it will do her good.
Idk if i will do me good?
But seeing her good, i will be good?
Take care.
Live life to the fullest.
God bless.
Loves!.

Tuition.

2010-01-09T08:32:00.000-08:00

2 thoughts came across me.

1st
$50/month.
4 times/month.
2 hrs/session.
1 to 1 tuition @ student house.

2nd
One month one time
Mass tuition
FOC.

Choice one or choice two better??

Worth it??

2010-01-08T02:51:00.000-08:00

Thoughts came by, i was muffled.
It kept me distracted but at the same time thinking.
Izzit really worth??
I don sense the worth in it.
Worthless so to speak.
Perhaps i'm thinking too much?
I have no idea.
I just know, being a bother to people is the worst thing ever.
Am i one?
I know i am!
Am i worth??
I don think so.
Should i ??
I really dk.
All i know is, i cant bring myself to it.
Arghhh!!!
Can someone give the path to actions??!!

Lost Then Found

2010-01-06T10:01:00.001-08:00

Empty glasses on tables, echoes fill these rooms
The memories go where we go,
There like the suitcase that you never lose
If the good lords eyes upon me
I swear to make things right
Whatever we lost, i know we can find

Why do we say things we can’t take back
Why do we miss what we never had
Both of us fell to the ground
The love was so lost, it couldn’t be found
Why do you tend to forget whose vain
I’m tired of crying out at the sound of your name
Why don’t we turn this around, love ain't the enemy
Don’t you want to be lost then found

Silence.

2010-01-03T11:49:00.000-08:00

Should i??
The idiotic fellow that creates havoc in people's life.
I detest it!
I loathes it!!
Because i'm the disaster!!
I shall just keep quiet.

---

2009-12-24T05:35:00.000-08:00

i deserved silent treatment.
worthless;useless;redundant!
3 words speaks everything.

Happy Birthday!

2009-12-23T06:06:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday to myself!! :D

Thanks one and all for the birthday wishings!!!
Pardon me for not naming it out one by one cos there's quite a number.

Thanks Cas, Cor, Em, Hs, Jo & LiRu for the birthday surprise thou there were loopholes.
Seriously you may think that it's not really a surprise but to me, it is.
I witnessed the effort put in for the celebration.
Thanks lots!!
You people really make my day!!

Special thanks to ♥♥♥.
You gave me the best present!!
It's the most wonderful present that i've received!!
Thanks loads dearest!! (L)

---

Unhappy things did happened today.
I teared.
I couldn't help thou i know i shouldn't be crying.
Wadever izzit, i really detest the presence.

---

Anyway, i still have to thank this awesome bunch of people for cheering me up and making my day bright ahead!!
THANKS TO CASANDRA TAN, CORDELIA, EMILY, HUISHAN, JOANNE, LIRU!!

Starting to hate myself more and more. :(

2009-12-17T17:48:00.000-08:00

Recently i'm always paranoid with myself and i've mood swing very very often.
Maybe i'm just wasting too much time thinking about nonsense.
Some things appeared and it really traumatize me that i kept myself thinking about it.
Thou i was assured that nothing will happened but still, i'm very very afraid deep down.
Wild tots kept running inside my mind.
It's really torturing.
I was told.
She isn't worth the time and effort that i spent on her.
I felt hurt, really really hurt.
Wadever that happens, i've never wanted to leave her alone.
Somehow she's trying to push me away, idk why. :(
Wadever is it.
I shall be a little thick skin!
I'm going to say this now.
Wadever that happens, i wouldn't leave you at all.
If you choose to push me aside, i've got nothing to say.
I will do as said BUT i will always be there.
Anything that happened please say!!
Seeing you like that it hurts alot! :'(
Invisible but still i'm there always!!
:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(:'(
:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(:(

Camp Challenge.

2009-12-15T06:55:00.000-08:00

Back for Camp Challenge.
Nothing much but it was a fun and fulfilling experience.
Thanks one and all for the help and support.
Congrats to GM for getting 3rd in Gadgets as well as Patrol Identity.
2nd in Inter-patrol Competition.
Well Done!!
Your hard work paid off!! :D
Nothing much to update.
Or rather not in the mood?
Bye.

Surge of feeling.

2009-12-05T20:31:00.000-08:00

A surge of feeling running over me.
Mixed & Confused.
I kept myself thinking.
Izzit really worth??
I really dunno.
Mind keep telling me to giving up.
Somehow sth strong told me to persist on.
Which one should i listen to?
I really got no idea.
Gloomy sky falling down.
I need directions.
Aimlessly wondering could be the best.
Torture coming in itz way.
Nothing's going to change anymore.
No more companions; no more friends even.
Everything will just shift in silence.
Shift to the cruel world of reality.

Bye.

Changed.

2009-12-04T17:59:00.000-08:00

The feeling told me earlier on but i rejected the knowing.
Now things are under the sun; bright and open.
No fray of lighting is streaming in.
The night took me away thinking.
No salvage, no companion thru it.
I was left alone, in the lonely night.
I sense the fear outside.
I wouldn't force.
Remaining the way as it is, i accept.
Thanks for the time.
Thanks for everything.
No more companion.
Normality.
Numbness is the next thing that comes.
End of the world.

Wonders.

2009-12-04T05:55:00.000-08:00

Things are changing.
I've just got to accept the fact.
If it repeats, i'm not going to rant nor pester.
I just wonder my ability to really pull thru??
I doubt i have it.
If you thinks that i'm what you think, i shall just accept it.
Simple reason being i don wann unhappy things to happen.
I will just take it as i'm.
All i can say now is i wouldn't be one now nor in the future.
Itz not a fun thing to do.
It would just worsen r/s with people.
I wouldn't even take that a risk.
BUT, if you think i'm, i will accept the fact.
I will just keep quiet den.
Sorry if i sound stern or rude.
Is just that i'm really not one that's why i'm stating.
I wouldn't force; i wouldn't rant.
I will just accept wadever that comes in the way.

Hidden agenda??

2009-12-03T08:19:00.000-08:00

Headed to GM for Camp Challenge training.
Practically crapped there with cas most of the time.
Ended at ard 5 plus and headed to east point mall.
Accompanied hs to collect her specs while cas,cor,emily,jo,nat.s queued for Starbucks coffee FOC.
When backed, was told that we have to queue from the start again so ended up sharing as queue was long.
Headed to tamp.
Now, cor and hs queue for coffee @ Starbucks FOC while emily,jo,nat.s and me went round looking for watches.
Couldn't find.
Maybe heading to Bugis tmr to look for it.
Headed for dinner.
Things happened.
Changed my mood towards dinner.
It totally sucks.
Nevertheless, i still have to thank cas,cor,emily,hs,jo&nat.s for the company today!!
Loves it lots!!
That's pretty much today.

P.S. I'm a bad influence!! Please stay far far away from me!! If not you'll turn bad!!

BBQ GANG!!!

2009-12-02T03:42:00.001-08:00

With this awesome group of people, i spent 2D1N just opp OCH!! :PP

Initial feeling of the rod, i tot it was going to be bored, indeed it was!
The fun only started when me,cas,jo and hs starting fire for the bbq pit.!!
Damn the rain and sun lor.
Initially slight drizzle but suddenly the sun damn damn strong!
Everyone near got burnt and roasted. @.@
Nvm the heat and all, the BBQ GANG started having fun there.
By the time when all the food were bbq-ed, nothing was left for us except bee hoon, chicken and watermelon.
Had not much feeling to eat, headed back to the pit and bbq marshmallows,chat and camwhore! :DD
Drizzling so headed to room.
Slacked and talked about camp challenge things.
Bathed;Slacked;Chatted.
Once everyone was done with their things, it was MOVIE MARATHON!!!
Paranormal activity followed by Orphan.
While the rest watch PA, me and hs kept having evil laughter!!
Orphan was a damn nice yet cruel show. :x
Slept;Woke up.
Cleared the chalet.
Bused to tamp.
Simei with hs. (she watch movie, i sleep. zzz)
Home Sweet Home.

I think without the BBQ GANG, i doubt i would even enjoy my stay there. Somehow they are the magical little ones that make my day everytime when i'm with them! I never fail to laugh with those people around! Even with unhappy things going on, meeting them will definitely cheer me up. Thanks people!!! You people rock my life! :DD

LOVES BBQ GANG TO THE MAX!!! :DDDDDD

Happy Birthday HuiShan.!

2009-11-30T05:08:00.000-08:00

Long but fun day out!
Celebrated HuiShan's birthday in her sch bbq-ing!! hahas!
Met with cas, jo and emily ard 11.30am to get the food for bbq.
Somehow time fly when you're with a group of great people!
Within a blink it was around 1pm when we're done buying the food.
Bought cake and rushed back.
Prepared the things needed and did axemanship!! LOLS!@@
Time for jo and cor to go fetch huishan at mrt so we started 'clearing' to prevent suspicion.
When they reached school and there comes the
SURPRISED!!!!
Party poppers all flew near huishan. (she was really surprised i guess thou she sense sth fishy??)
Started on with food and drinks.
Talked.
Cake time. (burnt)
Sang birthday song and present the presents.
Slacked.
Clearing time.
Once done, slacked again.
Home Sweet Home!

ONCE AGAIN! HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUISHAN!! HAVE FUN 'UTILIZING' YOUR PRESENTS YEAH! :DD

Things happened and it changed the mood of mine. Totally gone!! No sense of belonging. No sense of living. I really felt like leaving when it happened!! :'(

Past.

2009-11-25T03:03:00.000-08:00

Finally i'm back from BTC!! Broke down half way thru BTC but i kept quiet.

Too many things happened. I was at the loss of words. More injuries more troubles. Thru'out the camp, i wasn't enjoying myself. Yet to recover from fever and it got worse. Rendered helping hand and was given shitty treatments. Do i really deserve it?? Have i really took a wrong step?? I wondered thru'out the sleepless night. Izzit because of the status that i received those kind of treatments?? Really, i'm getting sick and tired of everything. More injuries discovered in the midst of helping.

However consider myself lucky. I've a companion that was accompanying me thru'out. Without her, i doubt i was able to pull myself thru'. I felt bad. Very very bad!! I kept pouring all my rantings to her. :(((
Seriously, thanks lots for standing by me when i really needed even thou i didn't really say wad happened. You pulled me thru! Thanks a million!! Loves!! <33

Tag Replies
22 Nov 09, 23:23
EMILY: okay. then i man man lai. then when i not lazy i will do it. really. when i not lazy.
JingFang: anything lah. take as much time as possible! also no rush!! :DD

23 Nov 09, 10:02
dionis: thanks! (:
JingFang: welcome!! :)

23 Nov 09, 16:13
cordelia: don need say sorry to me :) but hor i still feel sad espically the class problem it too suden :(
JingFang: take things in stride yeah. don rush yourself! wadever izzit, i'm sure your friends will standby you. same for me too. Cheer up kk!! :DD

NATALIE: HELLO! hahaha.THANKYOU TOO LA FFA:D xin ku ni le!
JingFang: Hello!!! FA!! I waiting for your service during ROD ah! :PPP

23 Nov 09, 19:31
Huishan.: Read & Thanks!
JingFang: Kk!! Thanks to you too :DD

24 Nov 09, 09:11
Jaywhy.: Yes thankyou so much for things that you've done and helped me. thankyou thankyou so much (:
JingFang: okok. don have to thank me so many times in a tag lah. zzz. now that itz over, you can relax!! Enjoy your hols yeah! :DD

25 Nov 09, 15:47
JOY(: you still want my pillow?=p
JingFang: Sorry for wad i did that day :(( Of course!! Itz a nice pillow!! :DD

25 Nov 09, 16:00
amanda:): hiie^.^
JingFang: hello!! take care yeah!! :DD

Short messages of heart-felt notes.

2009-11-22T05:38:00.000-08:00

Read huishan's blog and it inspired me to do the same thing. (sorry if you think i plagiarize.:x)

Special Mentions:
Jean(CC): You did your part. You did it well enuf as a beginner. Definitely there are more things to be learn. Do not rush yourself! It takes time to learn. I didn't turn leader within a night. It took me 7 years and still counting to learn to be a leader. Even for now, i don call myself one. Don get stress up yeah. Just give your best for everything that you're asked to do. Anything you can always ring me up for help. Like wad i told you last year after NDP'08, i'm 24/7 on. Cheers :DD

Joanne(PL,AQM,CampChallenge): You're the one that doesn't need to rmb any whistle signals. Nevertheless it also means that you've a heavy duty on your shoulder. Seriously i have to give you my salute! I doubt i would be able to tank all this back then when i was in Sec 2. Your effort is laudable. As for campfire, you really don't have to worry. It's alright. Everyone make mistakes and we learn. I now take the chance to apologise if i was stern during the campfire debrief. I'M SORRY!! :( A potential leader in indeed in the midst of growing. Do not give up yeah! Keep on striving! All the best! Congrats on getting into a class of your wish! Study hard!! Loves!! :DD

Cordelia(AQA): The role as an AFA is definitely not an easy task. You managed it well or even better. I understand certain things that you've faced with your patrol members mainly communications wise. A piece of advice - don not rush. Communication barrier is sth that affects everyone. Time is require to really solve it. It's not your fault ok. I do understand that you feel sad. Cheer up yeah. Anything you can always ring me up if you need someone to talk to. Keep striving towards your goals yeah! I'm sure you can achieve it one day! All the best!! Loves!! :DD

HuiShan(PL): You're the one i spotted at the beginning of the camp. Certainly it seems we aren't able to hide it thru. I spotted you; you spotted me likewise. I understand the stress. I've been thru' that process. The initial part is always the hardest. It really takes time to learn to lead. Like wad i told jean, i don call myself a leader even till now. So there's no rush. Everyone gets to learn. One point to note, you have to learn to speak out about the stress and all. Speaking out is the best way to learn. It may be hard but do give it a try. No rush thou. Wadever izzit, my phone is always on for 24/7. Just ring me up anytime if there's a need to disregard the time and all. Help will definitely be rendered. So rmb don stress yourself up yeah!! All the best! Congrats on getting into a class of your wish! Study hard!! Loves!! :DD

Jean,Joanne,Cordelia,HuiShan,Gabrielle,Vivian,Emily,LiRu as well as camp staffs! I hereby take that chance once again to thank everyone of you for the help and support provided!! Really without it, i doubt i would be able to survive thru' the camp. To those that i was mad with for some reasons, I sincerely apologise for my wrongdoings. I shouldn't have rant it out at you people. I'M REALLY REALLY SORRY!! :(

GM Company Camp.!

2009-11-21T04:45:00.000-08:00

Away from 17th to 21st Nov for GM Company Camp.

Overall was fun. Definitely it was tiring. Deprived of sleep. LOLS.

Too many things happened. Unable to describe. Its just too much. Scolding guides for not being on task, you yourself repeated the same mistake. Its totally speechless. During COH, you wanted everyone to talk. I pointed out certain things you weren't happy. End up, you indirectly arrowed me in a way so that you wouldn't embarrassed me in front of the guides. The action was totally wrong. You arrowed me a bunch of nonsense. I was just supposed to be a facilitator and yet it turned out that i was the 'CC' or rather the 'Guider'. Somehow i seriously think you should reckon you actions. Failing your task as a guider, do you really deserve the position as a chairman of the PNA committee?? I wondered alot alot.!!

Nevertheless, i have to thank that few that really allowed me to pull myself thru' this camp!
Extremely thankful to Gabrielle, Vivian, HuiShan, Joanne, Cordelia, Emily as well as the camp staffs!! Without you guys, i doubt i was able to pull thru the 5 days of face to face.
THANKS A MILLION!! Rest well and take lots of care.

To those going for Camp Challenge, see you during Camp Challenge as well as the pre-camp trainings.

Byebye.

Bias-ness is obvious!

2009-11-15T06:57:00.000-08:00

Things happened. Was happy all the way till the phone called. You couldn't understand the rationale behind the actions, you gotten someone else to nag at me? If you nagged it didn't work, what more makes you think that an outsider's nagging will work out?? Your son now is working, immediately your bias-ness revealed! Immediately you complained without fail to people saying that i'm not working wadever nonsense! Get the fact right before you do that?? Recalling back then, i had never taken a single cent from you!! You gave me on your own accord. I didn't ask. Only at times when i really needed helped den i opened my mouth and ask from you yet you aren't happy??!! All the money that i spent are my own savings and earnings. Even my own basic necessities are bought myself. Yet you nv sense/see a thing? You just blindly tell people that i'm always the one lazing around at fault. I really don get it!! Bro gotten a job yet he still ask money from you, you never complain. Definitely it shows that you're bias towards him!! I DON CARE ABOUT THAT. Just that i think this time, you're too overboard. There's a limit to everyone's tolerance!. Get the fact right before you act on. I'm leaving the sentence to you. It may be harsh but i'm sorry ! I have to!

THE HOUSE YOU PROVIDE ISN'T A HOME FOR ME TO STAY. IS JUST AN SHELTHER FOR ME TO REST. NO WARMTH NO FEELING!

Hectic Week.

2009-11-10T18:59:00.000-08:00

It was really a busy hectic week with many many things ongoing. Rushed from place to place day after day.

Weekend ended up in HQ for PLTC. Comparing to Camp Training, it wasn't really that fun but still, i enjoyed! With the bunch of YAs there, we had fun ourselves. Slacked;played;eat;sing;crap;etc....

After all its not really that hectic. More hectic ones are coming on the way esp from next week onward.

Tag replies
huihui: Hahahhaaas i see i see :)
JingFang: yeah! no life people. you go esther's blog jiu know wad i mean liao. :)

Huishan.: oooouhh. ppl spam jus ignore can liao luhh. :)
JingFang: yeah! this one is super no life. cant even be bothered. hahas.

Yuri: hello ! thanks for everything during camp yeah ? missed you loads. was really happy to see you again. (:
JingFang: hello!! i also nv do anything much?? miss ya too :DD

Yuri: oh yes, AHMA NG! don't bother about that person. only add on to your wrinkles haha. jkjk stay happy !
JingFang:AHMA???!!@#$%^&% hahas! no bother lah. that person no life only. i never even fret about it. I'm always happy. :DD

To THAT JIA that bitched in esther's blog!!

2009-11-02T09:02:00.000-08:00

If you think you're having a happy and meaningful life out there, stop bitching in people's blog den. By doing that, it only shows that you're just too bored of life. Bored till you've to start commenting about people's spouse which TOTALLY HAS NONE OF YOUR CONCERN.!!

Get the fact right before you start to comment. Be it Esther's husband or baby, both aren't even related to you. Or rather Esther don even know you at all in the 1st place!! Being an anonymous person, you commented about people's family. THINK BACK!! IF SOMEONE WERE TO DO IT TO UR FAMILY MEMBERS, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL!!

Whatever that goes on is totally none of your concern. You seems pretty no life or izzit cos your friends have ditched on you resulting in you being bored. Thus ending up bitching about people's home affair in their blog??!!!!!

Since you dragged my cousin and niece into the picture, IT CAUGHT ME FUMING !!!!! You can come bitching at my blog and you'll see wad you'll get! I welcome you with open hands!! & please!! When you tag, leave ur name and NOT YOUR INITIALS!! I have too many friends with the initial 'JIA' as well!! You having to use the initial and tag bad about people, it's a total disgrace to that name!!

2 choice out.
1st - Either you get lost and get a life out there.
2nd - If not, Place your 'BIG NAME' & contact number down if you really wants a confrontation for some no reasons or stupid lame pork reason!!. :x

Companion or Friend??

2009-11-02T08:22:00.000-08:00

I wondered,
Do i have more of companions or friends.??
Different meaning to it.
Companion is one that you can confide in.
Friend is one that plagiarize company.
Sometimes it's hard to tell.
Definitely i would yearn for more companion; true companion.
Somehow it's hard to find.
One in a every ten??
Not an easy task.

Speechless.

2009-11-01T10:12:00.000-08:00

Things happened but i kept silence.
Treated the way i wasn't supposed to be.
Having intentions to ignore but i couldn't cos of some reasons.
Discussions don seem like discussions.
More like instructions.
Feel like washing my hands of it.
I'm tired.
Really really tired.
Retiring to reality is far too hard.!

Last day of October

2009-10-31T22:03:00.001-07:00

Left house @ 630am. Homed @ 1230am.
Disastrous day i would say.
Headed GM for Outdoor Cooking initiative with Bedok North GB.
Things happened here and there.
Gotten frustrated.
I wasn't the only one, a few felt the same as well.
Shan't elaborate. (if you know you know; if you dunno don bother.)
Outdoor Cooking ended.
Discussion of camp plan w/ cas & jean.
Brought out certain pts to them but it seems like they don understand?
Nevermind.
Initial plan was to Camp Christine but changed.
Headed to *scape park to find Esther.
Reached there not long, super heavy downpour.
Stucked in rain for quite some time.
On the way home, cousin's car got banged cos of some freak.
Got shocked; trembling.
Annaleigh too i thnk?
Homed to Esther's.
Ate.
Finally homed @ 1230am.

Dooms!!

2009-10-30T08:54:00.000-07:00

Tired.
Extremely tired.
More incomings no outgoings.
ARGHHHHH!!

Wrong Wrong Wrong

2009-10-29T03:04:00.000-07:00

Things aren't going the way it supposed to be.
Every thing is mixed up.
No clarification.
No clarity.
It's all muffled up.
Going from good to bad, bad to worse.
Beyond the point of salvage.
Nothing is uttered.
Every thing remains in the grey zone.
Has no one thought of death?
I wondered.
No more troubles.
No more fretting.
Seriously i doubt i'm able to take it anymore.
More pourings = more hurtings
I hurt myself yet again.
I failed to keep the promise.
It's hard; really really hard.
The fear is enuf to take me away.
If today was my last day,
All i would say to my loved ones.
Take good care of yourself.
Live life to the fullest!
You'll always be remembered.

Farewell.

Fear

2009-10-28T06:17:00.000-07:00

Suddenly i fear. I feared so much that i couldn't get things done. I'm lost.
The fear make me handicapped! No directions seen. Aimlessly wondering soul.
It came and it stayed and never go.
I wondered.
Trying to distract, but i failed.
Uselessness is the only thing felt.
It's hard, really really hard.
I need major distractions!!
I need numbness!!
ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!
Never felt that much.
Zipped still.

Zipped.

2009-10-27T22:26:00.000-07:00

Shutting myself out, i feel lost. I can't help. :( Things reached the stage whereby i can't even voice it out. Found out certain things, i can't bring myself to say it out. I decided to keep things to myself, it may be a form of silent torture to myself but i guess is the best way out.

The realization of certain things make me dumbfounded. I'm lost. Totally lost in a foreign world. The darkness is scary. The cold freeze me. The pain hounds me wherever i go. I need to voice out, but i can't.

I failed myself every single thing. Numbing is the best way out but still, too long numbness will make you immune that you don even sense the numbness. I need reliever! I need to clear my lungs!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.!!! This shows how useless and redundant i am!!

It totally sucks!!

Calendar.

2009-10-26T03:32:00.000-07:00

Just worked out my planner for Nov & Dec. I will be super pack during the hols with endless camps. :D

Nov
6th-8th - PLTC @ HQ
17th-21th - GM Company Camp @ Camp Christine
21th - Wee Kim Wee Cookout @ Camp Christine
23rd (AM) - PGA Ceremony @ Istana
23rd(PM)- 26th - BTC @ Camp Christine
29th - AP Visit 2 @ Camp Christine

Dec
6th - SCSM Event
11th - 14th - Camp Challenge @ Camp Christine
15th - 18th - IUC @ YTSS

Packed with full of camps and i was scolded crazy for it?? If you cant accept it, too bad den. This is who i am and wad i love doing.

Tired-ness.

2009-10-26T03:27:00.001-07:00

I'm super tired! tired to the max. I guess i cant blame anyone else but myself?? I was the one that caused myself to be tired. All the doings that I've done to myself. I just got the accept the fact. Nothing's going to change.

Sorry to all. Thanks for your concern. The decision shall be final.

Keeping silence.

2009-10-24T08:52:00.000-07:00

I have decided. From now onwards, i'm not going to utter a single thing, i'm not going to utter a single word. Everything shall move in a silent precision motion. I've decided to keep my mouth shut unless required. I wouldn't utter a single nonsense. Things have come to this stage, it's my only solution out. I cant help. I'm useless. I rather suffer everything silently even thou i really yearn for a companion. Nvm. Wad's done cannot be undone. Shall just cont with my 'indulgence' of the piling workload that i had.

2 days; 48 hours. I slept 8 hours or maybe even lesser. Down with fever and flu but i choose to ignore. Brave front shown. No one realised so i just ignore. Not seeking attention. Guess ignoring it is the best way ever. You may think is crazy but for me no. Its called numbing. Numbing your body sensitivity from the happenings. Not a bad idea either.

Tmr is yet another day. 7am out and house and late late return. I guess is yet another less den 6 hours sleeping night. Down with fever, flu and headache. No medications taken. I shall see how long it can last me. 1 day? 2 days? or a week? That's the best way out!

Numbness???

2009-10-23T10:44:00.000-07:00

'My prescence just makes others unhappy! Wad for carry on with life??'

Happened to bump onto this somewhere and it pretty well reminded me of myself and my presence.

I really dread my presence on earth. I make people suffering. I'm under going no less sufferings either. I guess that's the retribution that i get? Blame myself for my own cause! I deserved it all!! No blamings and no rantings will be done to others.

Certain facts are still not right! I still don see the link to it. It kept me wondering every moment. I really don understand!! Fretting about happnenings when i'm not buzzing myself with work.

Lots of work to be done yet nothing is done. I hate myself for being who i am now and i hate myself for wad i've done. I truly dunno what's going to happen to me sooner or later. It simply sucks. That describes it all.

---

2009-10-23T09:28:00.000-07:00

Down with super bad stomach cramp and headache but i wouldn't blame anyone, ONLY myself.

I guess the paranoid feeling in me isnt going to go till things are solved. Certain things is hard to say out. I really wish for the one fine day to come when i can voice it out. I need to talk. I've wasted my chance for a companion. No one to talk to now. Again, i blame myself and no one else. Shutting out may be the solution i guess??

Nevermind. I shall stop it. Wadever comes in the way, i'll just accept. Suffering in silence seems to be the optimum way out for now.

Sorry to one and all.

No title.

2009-10-22T07:58:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry if i've yet make you angry again. I must be sick in the mind. My words sounds harsh but i really don mean it. I really trying hard to forgive myself. Really really hard. Saying is easy; action is hard. I'm sorry if i failed the task. :'(

To Cordelia, Joanne & HuiShan,

I'm sorry i choose to shut myself out. I know you all are concerned about me but i really cant help. Certain things aren't as easy to say it out. Or rather i have yet to accept the fact of it happening. I guess i need time. Wad more do i really need is numbness. Numbing myself is the best option out i guess? No way left. Time being the only remedy now that can heal me. I must be a super baddie that makes you all worry for me that much. Thanks for the concern. I'm really sorry once again. Pardon me. :'(

Screams!!

2009-10-21T22:27:00.000-07:00

Arghhhhhh!!!!!!!

I need to scream of my lungs!!! Too many happenings!! People around me also seems to be suffering the same symptoms as me. We are all feeling the same!!! :'(

I need reliever badly. I guess i'm hurting myself by doing sth that i shouldn't have done. 'Indulging' myself into the reeks of alcohol with stomach flu! Wahahahaha!!! Congrats me!! :D

BYE!!!

Sucks

2009-10-20T22:04:00.000-07:00

Too many things happened lately.
I dunno wad to say or how to deal with.
Life truthfully sucks.
Many things started hounding me non stop.
I couldn't do anything but to accept.
Experiencing extremely bad headache and chest contractions almost everyday.
No remedy or rather body showing rejections to the medications.
I think i'm leaving soon; pretty soon.
I think i will be brought away to the other world.
Both headache and contractions results sleepless night.
Ended up even worst with no sleep.
This is why i concluded.
I'm leaving soon.
I cant help but to think in such a way.
I detest who i am; i detest wad i'm experiencing now.
ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Neverending.

Farewell!

Disclaimer.

2009-10-19T07:03:00.000-07:00

All the postings have got no hidden agenda.
I blogged as i had no where else to vent out.
I dunno if you'll be reading but if you do, don take it in heart.
I need a place to lease out.
I'm sorry!

Failure?

2009-10-19T02:27:00.000-07:00

Brave front was easy.
But I was soft.
I thou i could use it as a form of shield.
A shield that i would show to one and all that i have to face.
But i failed myself; failed horrendously !

Feelings.

2009-10-19T02:19:00.000-07:00

I still sense the fear in me.
Thou as said, the air is clear; the breathing is normal.
Still, i fear.
I really doubt my ability to distraction of my attention.
Everything was prefectly normal before retiring to bed.
Somehow, lying on bed makes me recall every thing.
Every single moment.
Thou i was assured that nothing will happen, but still i fear.
Will time really numb me??
Will sinning really make me feel better??
I kept myself wondering through the entire night.
I couldn't sleep.
Mind was filled with nasty thoughts.
I promised no foolish acts but i have the feeling of acting it.
I really wonder my ability; my ability of forgiving myself for the sinful act.
I feel emptiness; extremely empty.

Harsh.

2009-10-17T07:34:00.001-07:00

It happened.
I feel the pain!
Its extremely painful!!!
What hurts more is to see a harmless person undergoing all the pains!!!
I shattered.
I feared.
It all passed.
Now, i pray; i hope; i yearn.
For her to take good care of herself.
Darkness came over us.
Everything is going in different ways.
Life still have to goes on.
Many things came pouring on me.
No one to talk to about.
I don blame others but myself.
Family going apart pretty soon.
I sense the fear in me once again.
I really hope she takes good care of herself.
No matter wad, i'm still around.
I will still stand quietly by your side.
Not going to make myself a nuisance.
I deserved the silent treatment.
But still, I miss you!
Deep down inside me, a big big hole is formed.
So please!
If you read this, by taking good care of yourself is the best return to me in all!

To You

2009-10-17T07:13:00.001-07:00

Things may have come to the worst as expected but i just want you to know, we'll have to pull it thru the hardest period.
I was at fault; i caused it all to happen.
I'm sorry once again.
I don plead for forgiveness as i know its hard.
I don pester as i know its irritating.
For now, all i'm asking for is you to take good care of yourself!!
I don need things in return.
You taking care of yourself living happily with your friends is the best return that you can give.
As read, suicidal thots brushed passed your mind.
Same things happened exactly to me in the middle of the night; every single night.
If you read this, take it as i beg you; plead you.
DO NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG DUE TO YOUR IMPULSE.
If anything really happens to you, i will NEVER forgive myself!
Not trying to threaten you or anything but truly, i still treasure you as a friend; a companion rather.
I really don wish to see things happening to you due to me.
I'm sorry once again!!
Please live happily!!
That's the best return.
Loves.

Emotionless

2009-10-17T03:42:00.000-07:00

I sense it coming. Yet i still fear the truth. I dare not ask for an ans. I felt the fear of losing. The surge of fear is worst than the fear of death! I sense death coming on the way.

Somehow i just choose to remain silent and let everything goes to place itself. I don have the guts to seek and ask for an ans. I fear. I fear the lost of a companion. I fear the lost of a listener. Thou it seems that it had already happened just that i never accept the fact of it.

Short term torture is better den long term torture. Saying is easy, doing is hard. I would rather i suffer den you suffering. It hurt, truly it does. Not going to ask for more. I just pray hard for the better thou its never going to happen AT ALL.

I guess you may be reading this. Don let it affect ur decision if you have already decide. I will respect your decision. It's your choice on whether are you going to tell me about it or not. No doubt, i will still stand by you. That's the best i can give back in return. Not asking for much. If you really choose to end it off, i'm just asking for a --- to bade goodbye.

Brave front??

2009-10-16T08:54:00.000-07:00

Putting on a brave front yet i fear more than death.

The feeling in me is awful.

It's too late; too late to regret.

Numbness???

2009-10-16T08:02:00.000-07:00

Numbing myself from the real world outside. It seems easy yet hard. For a short period of time, its easy. For a long period of time, its extremely hard. Pretending to be a person that i aren't, its hard. Guess the best way of numbing would either be self mutilation if not to drink. Drink till drunk is the best way out. Self mutilation hurts much but soon, it will be numbness when done repeatedly. 2 pretty good options for me to choose. Remaining in a sober state, i feel down. Really really down to the extend of nasty thoughts brushing pass me. Should i go ahead with it??

Pondering

2009-10-15T07:06:00.000-07:00

It kept me wondering for hours and hours.

Izzit jealousy running in me ???

OR

Am i just paranoid about my surroundings???

----

I felt the pain. I'm useless.
I shall accept wadever that comes in the way.
If it really happens, i'm will not pester for forgiveness.
Understood the decision.
All i will, is to keep silence.
No matter wadever that happens, i will still standby you. That's for sure.
Prepared for the worst.
Nevertheless, wishing for the best thou.

Sorry!! :'(

2009-10-13T06:19:00.000-07:00

Yet and again i asked myself, should i???
Misery pourings never ended.
I apologize!!
Couldn't help.
Numbing seems useless.
Tortured once again.
Suffering in silence is the best i could do.
I'M SORRY!!! :'(

49th Day w/o you.

2009-10-12T02:56:00.000-07:00

It pretty seems like getting over you is a super big hurdle for me. I have yet to get over it so have others. How i wish that we can go back to the past. I WANN YOU BACK BADLY!!! :'(

Paying respect to you yet there are still arguments and all going on. Witnessing close knitted relatives that i have fighting and disputing over the distribution of wealth and miscommunications, my heart is painfully bleeding! Thou the initial start of the argument wasn't over the distribution of wealth; it was all started by a miscommunication. Trying to get things clear but yet more oil was added to the fire. All i could was just to sit aside and watch helpless what's going on and going wrong within the family. I believe both granddad and grandma wouldn't wish for this to happen at all!!! Now that it has come to this stage, itz totally beyond salvage!!! No matter how hard we try and pull back the r/s, the scars will be there forever. The feeling totally sucks! I want back the past!! I want the 2 of you back!!! :'(

----

Many many many things happened over the week! It kept me thinking all the while. Am i still of usefulness living on earth or am i just an excess wasting resources??? Considered as one of the darkest period of my life?? Pouring and pourings flow in non stop. I really feel like letting all the sufferings come to an end. Itz a total torture. Living in such a life of mine is completely worthless. Can i bade goodbye to one and all??? Incoming of never-ending problems and yet none solved. Sufferings in silence is the best i can do. Numbing myself from the real world, i feel cold.

Bade-ing is the last time.
Goodbye to one and all.

Apologies!!

2009-10-11T03:14:00.000-07:00

I guess my rantings and all will come to a stop pretty soon. Thou i know you aren't going to force me to say things out. I doubt i would bother you with problems. You should led bright and cheerful life!! Sorry for everything that i've done to make you worry! Thank you very much!

Bye!
(L)

Thoughts and feelings

2009-10-07T21:46:00.000-07:00

The previous 2 posts were posted for a reason. Both the songs describes my thinking. Certain things; certain actions; i cant bring myself to say it out is all in the lyrics.

Second chance
Tell my mother,
Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

No Surprise
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say

Sometimes i really think that goodbye is a second chance. It gives me the tots of doing things that i've been pondering long long ago. BUT the fact of cetain things stopped me. How i wish i really could say goodbye at times :S
Nevertheless, don be surprised if this day really fall and drop upon me. Life is hard to predict. No one is able to know wad's going to happen.

That's all.
Goodbye. :)

Second Chance - Shinedown

2009-10-06T21:40:00.000-07:00

Second Chance
My eyes are open wide
And by the way, I made it
Through the day
I watched the world outside
By the way, I'm leaving out
Today

I just saw Hayley's comet
She waved
Said why you always running
In place?
Even the man in the
Moon disappeared
Somewhere in the
Stratosphere

[Chorus]
Tell my mother,
Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

Please don't cry
One tear for me
I'm not afraid of
What I have to say
This is my one and
Only voice
So listen close, it's
Only for today

I just saw Hayley's comet
She waved
Said why you always running
In place?
Even the man in the
Moon disappeared
Somewhere in the
Stratosphere

[Chorus]
Tell my mother,
Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

Here's my chance
This is my chance

Tell my mother,
Tell my father
I've done the best I can
To make them realize
This is my life
I hope they understand
I'm not angry, I'm just saying...
Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance

Sometimes goodbye
Is a second chance [x2]

No surprise - Chris Daughtry

2009-10-05T21:14:00.000-07:00

No surprise - Chris Daughtry
I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round
And now I think that I've got it all down
And as I say it louder, I love how it sounds
Cause I'm not taking the easy way out
Not wrappin' this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

It came out like a river once I let it out
When I thought that I wouldn't know how
Held onto it forever, just pushing it down
Felt so good to let go of it now
Not wrapping this in ribbons
Shouldn't have to give a reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow
There's nothing here in this soul left to say

Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow
God knows we tried to find an easier way
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
That's why this comes as no, as no surprise

If I could see the future and how this plays out
I bet it's better than where we are now
But after going through this
It's easier to see the reason why

It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow
I can't believe that I stayed till today
(Stayed till today)
Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Our favorite place we used to go
The warm embrace that no one knows
The loving look that's left your eyes
But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise

Apologies!!

2009-10-04T02:39:00.000-07:00

Sincere apologies to one and all.
Sorry for the long and naggy posts recently.
Things happened and i need a ranting place.
Now that many things have come to an end,
Is either i do short and sweet posts,
If not i may not be posting as exams are nearing. =S

To all those taking EOY these few weeks,
ALL THE BEST!! STUDY HARD AND BRING THE BEST OUT IN YOU!!
GET THE GRADES YOU WANN!!
JIAYOU & GOODLUCK!!

With loves.
JingFang :)

Case by case basis

2009-10-04T01:51:00.000-07:00

Problem 1
You badmouth people and yet you talked the wrong things??? Trying to attract our attention?? Let me tell you, it's never going to happen. Don wait; don ponder. We just ain't giving you the chance to even talk to us. Twisting and turning of words in front of people. 2 different set of stories from the original occurrence! You think that we wouldn't give get the change to know a single stuff? YOU'RE UTTERLY WRONG!! THAT'S ALL THAT I CAN SAY. You let people misunderstood that we were against them. In the actual fact that we aren't against them but you! So here's the advice! Get lost and find a world of your own. You love backstabbing so find some other place and other target to back-stab. You choose the wrong target. Here's a warning. SHOULD YOU NOT STOP AND MORE PROBLEMS PERSIST, BEAR THE CONSEQUENCES YOURSELF! :)

Problem 2
You want things to silent down and people eventually forgetting it after some time. Yes! Its possible BUT you dare promise that you're able to resist that temptations in wadever comes next?? Don give the lame excuse that she's alone in this country so you're afraid that things might happen. Let me tell you this! If i'm you, i definitely would want a patch instead of a divorce. Think back. You don even have to shoulder a single cent of your household finance. Every single thing is shouldered by her inclusive of your children education. If you don have money, just a call and you'll have it. Definitely you wouldn't want a divorce. You gave the reason that you love the family alot. Think back again. How many chances were you given alr?? You took things at your advantage. You had fun outside and the sufferings were all shouldered by her ALONE. FYI, IF NOT FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR 2 KIDS, SHE WOULD HAVE LONG BADE GOODBYE TO YOU!!

Advice to J: I rather you end this off fast and quick. Yes! It can bring sufferings to the kids. However, short term sufferings are definitely better than long term sufferings!! Get it over and done with and i believe your kids will definitely stand by you so do us. Nevertheless itz still your call. Make a careful decision that work out best for all. You have my support. :)

Problem 3
Told you to end off the sufferings fast and quick years back. You ignored. Every single time when problem arises, you seek help from us. I shall make it clear with you. R/s is between 2 and not more than that. We're only there to advice and support you. Now things happened again. You seek help. We helped. Problem got worst as she felt that we were busybody poking our nose into your affair. You got frustrated of it as to you, family means a lot a lot. Frankly telling you, none of us in the family likes her. We all felt the same. She's not worth your persistence. If you could, listen to us for once. End it off fast if not you will only bring more sufferings to yourself and your dad esp. I do know that you still love her but think of the treatment that you get from her every single time. You're always badly abused. That's not sth that should be happening in a r/s if the couple's loving. Having to see you undergo this process, it's painfully in the heart. Thou we are only cousins but the blood runs in us. So please! Take it as i beg you! Is either you talk and work things out amicably with her. If not be harsh and give a straight slash between the 2 of you. That's all i'm going to say. Final decision still lies in you. SORRY FOR SOME HARSH MEANING.WE CANT BEAR TO SEE YOU UNDERGO THOSE SUFFERINGS YET AND AGAIN. WE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU. HOWEVER, PLEASE THINK CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU ACT. :)

Sick! :'(

2009-10-03T05:49:00.000-07:00

Biggest biggest revenge for me is to be sick. Woke up with extremely bad cough. :( Nvm. Shall take it as a punishment for certain things that had happened. The pain is unbearable too. Not going to complain or grumble; i will bear with wadever that comes in the way. Accept the fate and destiny of leading this life.

Over.

2009-10-03T05:43:00.000-07:00

Things cleared but still i'm paranoid with myself for doing such thing on a harmless person. The hurt must have been deep. :(

As promised, this will be the 1st and last time. If itz ever going to happen again, i shall leave the world and bade goodbye to one and all!

Thanks for forgiving and still being a good companion. Indeed you're really a kind soul at heart. :) All the best for your exams. Study hard. =)

A friend in need is a friend indeed. :) Glad that it didnt break thru halfway. :)

Reminisce

2009-10-02T17:52:00.000-07:00

Recalling back then on how we met. It a long long story. Wasn't really that close to you initially. However, you choose me out of the so many people to relate your problems to. Really happy that i was the one you could confide in. Upon hearing the happenings, the past was brought back to me. Never really affect much at the initial stage as 'j' was locked up. Worried for you when wild tots ran in your mind.

Happenings and happenings showered on me endlessly within a short period of time without a pause. Didn't really wanted to bother you back then but you rendered a helping hand. The pourings on me definitely brought u sufferings as well. Wild tots of ending everything putting a full stop to it seems hard. Couldn't bear the pain yet again. The piercing feeling running in me is enuf to kill me thoroughly.

You assured me that nothing major's going to happen. Somehow i still felt lost. Lost in the midst of no where. Aimlessly wondering. Nagged and scolded for thinking too much over useless stuff but still, it couldn't stop. I'm SORRY! I hurt myself yet again.

This post isn't a way to make you regret certain actions. Neither is it your fault. SO PLEASE DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!!. Itz just the weird-ness in me that suddenly came out of no where, putting me in a spot. Nevertheless, am still going to accept whatever that comes in the way.

(I know you would be blaming yourself after reading this. You really don have to!! I blogged and posted it as a reminder for myself. It's really not your fault. So PLEASE DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!!)

Thanks one and all for everything that you'll have done.
May all the sufferings come to an end.
Live life to the fullest. Enjoy life!! That's the best you could help.

(L)
Goodbye.

It's hard; truthfully hard!

2009-10-02T10:06:00.000-07:00

Trying my best to distract my attention away from things;
It seems like an easy task like i always told myself.
Having to try it once and again;
I failed myself for the task.

Couldn't help, couldn't control;
Nasty thoughts brushed past within a moment.
Wasn't in the clarity state of mind;
On the verge of action, i stopped myself.
Wondering and pondering;
Many many things came across.
Trying to stop myself in the middle of a silent night;
I failed yet again.

Overcome by numbness;
I never felt the pain.
Recalling the past;
I questioned myself yet again.
Worth the sacrifice;
I hurt myself times beyond.

Trying hard to stop it all;
It appears as a never-ending storyline.
Tortured and traumatized;
Bear the sufferings yet alone.
All i could is to pray for miracles.

Paranoid.

2009-10-01T08:58:00.000-07:00

No where else to voice out thus im going to do it here!

Getting paranoid about myself recently. Is either i'm thinking too much about things. If not it means that sth is very wrong in me. Mind full of wild thots after you mentioned about the letter you're giving me.

This time round i'm wondering if history is going to repeat yet again. IF it really does repeats, i seriously have got nothing to say. The fear is overcoming me and making me paranoid over every single things that i do!!

Shall try my best and let things be the way it should be. Not fretting; not pondering. (not an easy task) Prepared for the worst that could ever happen.

Goodbye World!!

Post To You

2009-10-01T07:28:00.000-07:00

Most likely you'll be reading this i guess??

I shall take this chance here and tell you. No matter what happens from now on, i'm not (trying my best) going to force you to voice it out to me. I will listen if you're willing to say. If not, i will juz let it brush pass us. Forcing things out isn't the best way. It only hurts more instead of helping. I'm sorry for wad i did in the past. Upon realizing it, I hope itz not too late. Nevertheless, i still hope that you would speak out to me. No matter wad, i'm always there if you need. You can try brushing me away; showering me a cold shoulder; ignoring me to the max; entering a cold war etc, i will still standby you!.

That's all i'm going to say. I will still cont'd to tell you things but definitely not during ur exam period. Good Luck for your EOY! All the best!.

(L)

I WANT YOU BADLY!!

2009-09-30T15:38:00.000-07:00

Withdrawal symptoms.

I want you very very badly!!!

Unbearable pain!! :'(

Still counting

2009-09-29T19:05:00.000-07:00

1 mth 5 days; still counting.

Your departure is definitely a hard stab in my heart. Nothing beats you leaving us. Thou its said that your departure stops all ur sufferings but still, the pain in us is definitely unbearable.

Viewing blogs of cousins; realized something common. Everyone of us have yet to put it down. Thou it didn't really happened out of a sudden like hers but still, its rather shocking! You're a well-respected person to everyone of us.

Recalling back then when you were still around. Many found you troublesome as you were bed-ridden. Initial stage i got to agree it was. None of us have actually experience taking care; looking after an elderly lying on bed all the while with feeding by the nose. Nevertheless, we still took the effort to take good care of you. If not because of your initial hospitalization, i doubt our family would be bonded back tgt. (sounds bad but its true)

All i can say now is that we will all rmb you deep inside us. I believe by now you should've alr met up with her. Never would you be forgotten. I guess i still need lots and lots of time to really get over your departure. Itz definitely not an easy task! Not only for me, for the entire 60 members of the family i guess?

Love you always.
Rest In Peace.

_P

2009-09-28T00:04:00.000-07:00

Should i say 1st oct is the day when sufferings really come to an end?? NO!!

Undergoing -- soon. Thinking in a very pessimistic way! Hope that it will be me to the other world! Can it ??

Never told anyone abt --. Guess you're the only one that know? It also means that you're undergoing torture again because of me! I'm just a passer-by in ur life! Do i really mean that much to you??!!

I'm the baddie yet again. Seems like every single time i'm! I WANN TO STOP THIS. It also means that i have to cruel. Can some1 teach me how to be really cruel???!! I seriously cant bear the pain of departure once again!! If it happens, i can tell you truthfully that LIFE'S MEANINGLESS!! 100% MEANINGLESS!!

Confused state of mind.
Clarity level - 0%
Goodbye World!!

Useless!!!

2009-09-27T08:53:00.000-07:00

I guess u may be reading this post but still i shall continue with it.

Seriously i think i'm useless to the core!!
1st - when things happened, i cant seems to stop it?
2nd - upon hearing that you're sick, all i could was to freak out. Couldn't/Wasn't even by ur side! :(
3rd - from head to toe full of nonsense; dunno when the nonsense will end and every time i disturbed u with it :(
4th - you wanted me to tell you things and i blindly told you. Ended up u're undergoing the same pain as me.

All i can say is that i'm bringing sufferings and torture to you BUT happiness! :(
Chancing upon me in ur life seems to be a bad thing.??
Intend to really be cruel for once BUT i cant bring myself to do that.
I cant bear to part with you! and yet all i can feel is that i'm bringing you sufferings and more sufferings. :'(

Life really sucks to core! Numb-ed alr but still the feeling sucks!!

Goodbye people!

Get Lost!!

2009-09-26T19:30:00.000-07:00

The moment you were back, my life is totally screwed! The sight of you irk me! Happenings and happenings. Your guts got bigger. With soo many people around in the house, yet things stil can happened!! It seems like you're not afraid of going back in again. That place can be ur home for the eternal life! On bail but yet u still dare do that; you never fear death! Your doings caused me sleepless nights! Can you please get lost and get out of the house??!! It seriously a total torture!!! :'(

----
Life really sucks!! Slept for few hours over 3 days that makes me real tired ytd that i slept. Was in deep sleep as i was real shagged. With so many people around me, yet things still could happen??!! How the hell did you do it?!!! All i can say is that with you around, i'm bound to have sleepless nights till the day you leave! Even with D around, you still managed it. Speechless. Motionless. Numb. IT TRULY SUCKS!!

sorry one and all!!
GOODBYE PEEPS!!

Sincere Apology

2009-09-26T19:21:00.000-07:00

Sorry for wad happened ytd night. I was nearly on the verge of breaking down. Things piling on me ever since months back. Shouldering everything is really tired. Sometimes i'm just too muffled of the outcome. I'M REALLY SORRY FOR MAKING YOU CRY!! I DIDN'T MEAN TOO. Due to my impulse, i said things that shouldn't be said. I take it back.

SORRY!!!!

(L)Dearest!

Wonders ;s

2009-09-25T21:10:00.000-07:00

I dunno if you'll be reading this post due to exam preparations. All i can say is 'I'M SORRY!!!'

Date known. I cant bring myself to tell you anything during this period of time. Is crucial for you to strive for the next aim! Letting u know will definitely affect you alot i guess?? Plus itz somewhere in the midst of ur preparation! So im not going to utter a single word out! By 14 oct, everything most likely will be back to normal i guess??

Humiliation is a total torture! 5 mths!! How am i going to survive?!!!

I guess i shall say bye bye to the world soon.

Speechless.

2009-09-21T19:36:00.000-07:00

After so many years, tot that the sufferings would have alr ended but it seems to be wrong! The sight of him brought back all the nasty things! Having to survive thru a week or maybe even more seeing him around totally makes me puke!!! No sleep for the past few days!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Going bonkers real soon!! Ytd night was total nightmare and it really sucks!!!

Can i leave??!!

Happy Birthday!!

2009-09-20T18:45:00.000-07:00

Ms Joanne Wong!! Happy Birthday to you!! :) Hope u like the small little surprise on friday!! May all your wishes come true!! All the best!! :)

In remembrance!

2009-09-14T19:31:00.000-07:00

Thou he's gone for 3 weeks alr but still, i find it rather hard to put it down. Live and death is part and parcel of life. We cant stop things from happening. All we can do is just keep them deep down in our hearts. His departure maybe abrupt and sudden but i guess itz good for him. I know this sounds bad but at least his sufferings all come to an end! He's able to be with her again after 4 years of sufferings that no one could understand! I guess i really need time to get over this!! Seriously itz hard! :S

Granddad, rest in peace. Im sure you're with grandma alr. We miss you both!!!! :'(

Pissed!!!!!

2009-09-06T18:29:00.000-07:00

I LOST MY PHONE!!! AHHHH!!! ONLY 3 MTHS OLD!! :'( haiz. making police report ltr. hope it can be trace back. =(

=(

2009-09-04T06:03:00.000-07:00

One week passed but still there the after effect of it affecting me pretty much! Now that he's gone, things are starting to get wild! Allocated share yet due to greediness, it still happened!! I HATE IT!! All thanks to that!, i find my life rather meaningless and useless!! Since u love it so much, u can have it! Am always told life is precious! BUT have to witness all the happenings around, i juz think that it totally sucks! That's all that i can say. No in the mood to post. Bye!

Gone!

2009-08-25T10:47:00.000-07:00

Now that he's gone, i really felt a pinched in my heart! Having to see him undergo so many sufferings over the past 4 years, itz really a torture! Thou his departure came and shocked me but at least i know, he's with her now! Leaving us makes us all feel sad. Every single one of my fam mems cried at his bed side. The moment i reached, i rushed to him and started tearing! I cant helped! He's just too important to me!!! One good thing was that he left us peacefully! I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU!! I BELIEVE YOU WILL BE DEEPLY REMEMBERED IN EVERYONE OF US!! GO WELL AND SAFELY!! I REALLY MISS YOU!!! =(

Reply Post

2009-08-25T10:42:00.000-07:00

I'm really sorry that i've caused u to undergo so much pain and sufferings! i really don wish to!! Too many things happened within a short period of time and itz really hard to accept! Thanks for always standing by me when i needed you so badly! For now, i will tell you that im alright! Nothing will happen to me!!

To YOU! - Promise me not to keep things to yourself! Itz not going to do you anything good! I will always be there when u need me! No matter how busy i am, i will still find time for you!! =) SO PLEASE! SAY THINGS OUT IF U DON FEEL GOOD!! IF I HAPPENED TO REALISE IT MYSELF, I WILL BE VERY VERY SAD!!

(L) DEAREST!!

o.o

2009-08-13T06:13:00.000-07:00

asking myself again and again. izzit really worth the sacrifice??!!

----

on the verge.
shld i ???

To th one and only

2009-08-10T07:37:00.000-07:00

Thanks for the gifts and the note. I'm really touched by it that i cried! Things can happened and it does affect our lives but just rmb! YOU'RE NOT TROUBLING ME AT ALL!! At times when i needed help, i do know that you're always by my side! It will be the same for me. When u need help, i will definitely be there! =DD Thanks so much for the memories created!! It will always be kept deep down in my heart!! Keep in contact!! Please do take lots of care yeah !! Stay happy always !! Cheers !!

With Loves
Jing Fang =DDD

To Guides from NDP'09 GG Contingent.

2009-08-10T07:29:00.000-07:00

Thanks one and all for the memories over the past 5 months! Definitely itz going to be a memorable one!!

To every single one of you, though 09/08/09 marks the end of NDP'09 journey, it also marks the start of another new journey. Everyone of us will be going different ways but please do rmb! WE'RE JUST A CALL OR SMS AWAY FROM EACH OTHER! Do keep in contact with one another! To all of you! Study hard and achieve good grades! All the best for the future endeavours! Stay happy always =D

With Loves!
Jing Fang =D

Happy Birthday Singapore !!!

2009-08-10T06:55:00.000-07:00

9th Aug 09

Headed to HQ. Routine check and all. Prepped and headed to holding area. Lunch-ed. Component run. Break!! During the break, guides were making a lot of noise. we were having fun enjoying ourselves singing the national day songs. Thnks to sk, we got a cake to celeb SINGAPORE'S BIRTHDAY as well as the August Birthday babies!! TO ALL, thou i don't know when ur birthday is, i still would like to wish you Happy Birthday!! May all ur wishes come true!! =DD After the singing of birthday song and cake cutting, we presented gifts to the trainers and marshal and carried on with the sing along session again!!

Time to get ready! Guides fall in and uniform check. After which, they move down to walk to the floating platform. Reserves, YAs and POCs stayed at holding area to wait for the cue to go for the city march! Meantime, YAs prepped and separated the things to be given to guides according to buses. By the time we are done, itz almost time to go for the city march. So we all headed and move towards the floating platform tgt with other UGs.

Reached. Waited for the march out. Initially Sir Puru dint allow the YAs to march. HOWEVER, after some consideration, he allowed us in and we (YAs & POCs) marched tgt with the guides for the 3.25km city march!!! The feeling is really awesome !!! City march ended at 8.20pm. The moment we stopped, itz 8.22pm! THE PLEDGE!! Recite the pledge and anthem after it.

Back to holding area, we cheered, rested and gave out goodies! De-briefed and everyone when on separate ways. Thats how it came to an end.

Nevertheless, please rmb!
NDP'09! WE MAKE IT HAPPENED! WOW!!!
Cheers to Guides!! You're all put up an awesome show!! =DDDD

Speechless?

2009-08-02T06:50:00.000-07:00

Seems like these few weeks arent good to me!! Many many many things happened and was really over-stretched till i nearly snapped and burst!! Yet again cos of the same exact person, things repeatedly happened without a pause in the middle. Told to forgive and forget but definitely itz not sth that can be achieved overnight!! Trying hard to do that but the harder i try, the harder it is to forgive and forget!

------

Thanks for the company for rotting. i know itz bored but thats what i do usually when im troubled with problems. i know that you're worried but really u don have to. i do know my limits just that i tend to over exhaust myself thats all. I WILL TAKE GOOD CARE OF MYSELF!! SO U DON NEED WORRY SO MUCH KKZ??!! I PROMISED!! With loves :D

-.-

2009-07-31T06:42:00.000-07:00

things are all happening at the same time !!! itz killing me!!!

nvm. shan't talk abt it.

Can you please get the fact right before confronting people!! It totally makes no sense!! So wad if im the last person to leave?!! Proof me wrong if u can!! Best ever, YOU GET LOST!

-------

dying a super slow death

-------

Sorry my dearest!! I know you're getting irritated cos of me. Seriously if u wann, u can just ignore me and leave me alone. im fine with it.

=(

2009-07-30T07:58:00.000-07:00

bad cough =((

______________

get lost!!

Puzzled!!

2009-07-29T19:16:00.001-07:00

should i ??

Reply Post

2009-07-29T06:20:00.000-07:00

Definitely i will!! I do know that you're worried at times but really u don have to worry abt me! I know the limit and i wouldnt force myself to go beyond that! In any case if i do, i think you will be able to know?? Thanks for all the time that you've borrowed me!! It helps alot!! At times when i think u know sth happened, u choose to keep quiet by the side and silently accompanying me. Thanks a million!! The presence means alot to me! Thou i may not have utter even a single word but i do feel better.

At the same time it goes to you as well. No matter wad, i'll be there in times of need! I'm juz a call away. 24/7 there for you! Just ring me up if u need people to talk to! &&&&&&&& I WILL NEVER FORGET YOU!!! So please don say that kind of things!!

Loves!! =D

Apologies!!!

2009-07-25T08:08:00.000-07:00

If u happened to read this it will be good! Sorry that i delayed instead of telling u on the day of occurance. Reason is cos i wasnt in the mood to say but eventually i will tell things to you. I guess u're rather irritated by me now so yeah i ain't going to say much. Please also say things out instead of keeping it to yourself. Even though i do have problems troubling me but still i will spare the time and space for u! Hope you'll read this =DD

SORRY A MILLION!!!! :(:(

Disturbed !!!????

2009-07-21T05:46:00.000-07:00

Paranoid is the only word i think i can use now??

Seriously i don see the link there. Things happened and yet some arent happy with it. Did wad i was supposed to and yet got back ________?????? Itz really making me speechless!! Suppressing my feelings.

Apologies to my dearest!!! Sorry for not telling u things. Not that i don wish to say but itz cos i dunno how to. Definitely i doubt there's a single thing that i can hide from u. Will tell u when times come?? Thanks so much for standing by me =D

I LOVE YOU =DDDD

Fretting ?? Or Worried rather ??

2009-07-19T21:05:00.000-07:00

NE2 ytd was great!! Keep up the good job girls!! Strive for a few more weeks and ur hardwork will definitely be paid off during National Day =D

Things happened. It seems to be surrounding me and it seems like more of other things occupied my mind rather den my own problems =( Wondering if i nv took the initial step, would things still end up landing on me ??

__________________________________________

Regretted certain thngs that i've done ytd and now itz killing me =(( !!! Sorry my dear!!!!

I LOVE MY DAUGHTER =DDD

special thanks!!!

2009-06-29T06:19:00.000-07:00

I WANT TO SPECIALLY THANKS TO SOME PEOPLE FOR THE HELP YOU HAVE RENDERED!! =)

They are CHERN YUAN YIING!!! EE HAI EN!!! TSURUOKA YURI!!! SARAH CHEN YI SIEW!!! SIENG HUI SHAN!!! JOANNE WONG SHI MIN!!!!

THANKS A MILLION TO THEM!!! THEY HELPED AND PULLED ME THRU MY DIFFICULT TIME!! I LOVE YOU!!!! =DDDD

GGS Carnival 2009!!

2009-06-29T06:12:00.000-07:00

Finally GGS Carnival 2009 is over!! It was a great success!!
To all YAs that are involved in the Carnival preparation!
We've all done it!! =) Well done!! Have a good rest! We shall see each other during the post carnival meeting!! Rest Well!!!

Brunei Guiders in Singapore

2009-06-18T17:47:00.000-07:00

The Brunei Guiders came over to Singapore for some training i guess? There is a total of 15 of them. They joined the camp training on the third day where they participated in the outdoor cooking as well. I hoped they enjoyed the outdoor cooking! Campfire time! I saw them enjoying themselves with smiles on their faces! I was really a good thing to know that they are happy and enjoying!! =)

Ytd, last day of camp for the guides for CTC! The Brunei Guiders went to many different farms!! Me and valP tagged along as well. They were very very happpy!! Inside the bus, everyone of them were talking and laughing all the way from one point to another! We set off for Hay Dairies, DragonFruit Farm, Qian Hu Fish Farm as well as Bollywood Veggies!! =)

Camp Training 2009 (June)!!!! =DDD

2009-06-18T17:33:00.001-07:00

4D3N camp for camp training over at Camp Christine!! It was a real fun and enjoyable one! The guides had outdoor cooking, patrol cooking and many many other activities! Tho things do happen along the way, they are still bonded and able to solve problem as a whole! Well Done Girls!! For YAs, we had a super hell loads of fun!!! It also seems like we do more work than the guides?? hahahaha! No matter what, thru the entire 4 days, i actually see the guides grow and learn lots of things! Hope they would use the knowledge back in their own COY. =) ALL THE BEST !!!

Tympanic Membrane

2009-06-03T08:55:00.000-07:00

Im overflooded! too many things happened within a day!! im expected to withstand to the shocking news!! upon hearing that someone's tympanic membrane ruptured, it totally shocked me for at least 2 mins!!! itz a no joke thing! it can lead to deafness!!!! some idiotic people juz thinks that itz a simple push yet it ended up with a rupture!! ARE YOU CAPABLE OF BREADWINNING IF STH WERE TO HAPPEN TO HER!??? i seriously doubt so!! u don even have the financial satisfaction for yourself! do u think you will be able to give up some stuff over family?? NO NO NO!!! here's the ans that u get, IDIOT! tho im juz a bystander watching and listening to the story happening and on playing, it juz hurt me that much to see her suffer when she's not suppose to have gone thru' all these NONSENSE!! juz a simple reason that you aren't able to fulfill your wish, u blame it on other??? how reliable are you to ur boss??? RECKON YOUR ACTIONS!! YOU'RE A TOTAL DISGUST TO ME!! DON EVER THINK THAT GIVING IN WILL SOLVE THAT PROBLEM! IF U FAIL TO FACE IT, IT WILL STILL PERSIST AND HURT YOU WHEREVER YOU GO. SOOO, BEWARE!!!!!! tho im not the victim, having to stand by her and witnessing every single bits and pieces that you've done in the past and now, it hurts far more than a stab in a heart!! SO I BEG YOU! CAN YOU PLEASE MAKE A WISEFUL DECISION TO NOT MAKE EVERYONE SUFFER TOGETHER WITH YOU???? BEAR A THOUGHT FOR OTHERS!!!

A message to 'V'

2009-06-03T08:39:00.000-07:00

u have the guts to do yet u do not have the guts to admit. when being questioned, u were dumdfounded. with the use of violence, itz nv a way to solve problems. yet more problems will be created. reckon ur behaviour before u start reprimanding others. YES! YOU CAN BE MAD! BUT WAD MAKES U THINK THAT OTHERS CANT BE MAD AT U ???!!! NAIVE THINKING! u don deserve respect from the both of them. so what if you're blood related?? have u actually showered your real concern over the 2 of them??? HERE'S THE ANS! ---> N-O; NO!!!! excuses gave saying that you're busy at work till late. in that case i shall ask u, are you the only one that is working till late??? NO!!! even if you're working till late, u report to work in late morning, cant u even bother to wake up early and show them the concern that u have for them?????? irresponsible person! ALL I HAVE TO SAY IS THAT YOU DON DESERVE RESPECT FROM ANY OF US ESP THE 2 LITTLE ONES!!! THEY ARENT UR TOYS TO PLAY ARD WITH! STOP BLAMING OTHERS FOR THE RESULT AND BEAR THE CONSEQUENCES YOURSELF! ITZ TIME TO CHANGE OTHERWISE U WILL TURN A OLD FOGEY!!!!!!!

Pepper Lunch!!! =D

2009-05-27T09:08:00.000-07:00

yuanyiing, jingfang. haien

Hougang today. Pepper Lunch!!! =DD Met the 2, eat and chatted! After that, walked and guess wad?!! WE WENT TO IMH!!! WAHAHAHA!! =) Nth special happened but time spent with the 2 of them were seriously fun & happy!!! =DD I'm ducking pissed with some people!!! >.< Hot and Cold suits u alot!

dont think that you're a big shot! don think people got to be shui chuan shui dao! i hate you. wasted my time and energy!!!
Hot and Cold suits you very much! i seriously dunno wad you're thinking. it may be that i think too much but seriously there a super great difference in treatment. i can totally sense it. actually itz not only me but some other people that were in contact with you as well while talking to me. YES! there can be problems arising in times but you think you're the only one that feel stress ! NO WAY!!! bear in mind of others' feeling and be considerate!!!

Saucony 100PLUS PAssion Run

2009-05-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

Jonathan, JingFang, Haien, Yuanyiing

Imagine not sleep the entire night! That's wad the four of us done. Instead not only the four of us, many other volunteers for the event as well. Reported at 3am to prep and 5am deployed on ground. Initially there's nothing to do. At around 6 plus duty started, opening of mineral bottle caps. After opening a few boxes, blisters appeared. Stopped. Slacked. Changed to 100 plus side. Waited for the runners to be back. The very moment when the 1sr runner was back, we started hard work. Opening of 100 plus cans. Imagine us opening more than 50 cartons of 100 plus cans. OMG!! All our fingers are covered with blisters and our shirt soaked in 100 plus!! Slowly when the crowd lessen, we stopped and slacked. I HATE THE 'L'!! Cared about the BLUE and left YELLOW OUT! what is this man! we are humans as well!!! IRRESPONSIBLE FELLOW!!!!

Collect bag nv inform juz walked off on ur own! Lucky i saw otherwise we don need go home!!! ahhhhhhhhh!!!

Collected bag. Waited for cab to T3. The four of us went T3 for lunch and took 27! Slept in the bus EXCEPT FOR EE HAI EN!!! SHE DAMN PRO CAN!! DON EVEN FEEL TIRED =xx CYY enjoyed her ride in sweet dreams! wahaha!! i was half sleep and half awake! LOL!!! Reached aunt's house and bro fetch me home!

Okok!! I'm still sleepy! want go back and sleep alr =) Bye Bye!! =D

9000 bags packing =DD

2009-05-09T08:29:00.000-07:00

shu hui, ME, Junie

Woke up at 6 plus in the morning to prep for a VOL event at Geylang Serai CC. Reached there abt 9am. Started off with safety pins. The whole big group of us (approx. 12) took boxes of safety pins from the room we gathered out and sat at one corner. Most were YAs. Talked, chatted and listen to songs. Lunch-ed. Carried on with other stuff. 3 people dealing with 2000 bags??? Chain machine!!! After the event, went parkway parade with junie. Walked there. Wahaha!! Walked and chatted and walked back to eunos to take bus home. wahaahahahaha!!!

anw no mood to blog. Bye bye =)

Parade Training in Btv

2009-04-13T21:19:00.000-07:00

Few weeks of parade training gone and coming is the actual Speech Day in one week time. The rehearsal done wasnt up to expectations of all officers of the different UGs in the school. We did many changes as we progress thru the training. Reminders were given constantly however not abide and we realised sth, UGs in our school got to be strict with them before they bring out the best performance themselves. Itz some thing that came to a comprise of all UG officers and TO.

Training ended and all Parade Instructors and Teacher Officers had a meeting. We decided to change the format abit here and there and the meeting took us 1 hr (i guess). After which, i headed home as i was totally shagged =// Therefore i apologize to Zaki and gang for not joining you guys at mac for dinner =X