*Jing Fang
*23December
*Guiding is her life! :D
*Pooh bear is her love!
*Leave a tag before you go. :D
*DO NOT spam.
*NO VULGARITIES.
*Enjoy your stay. :D
Left house @ 630am. Homed @ 1230am. Disastrous day i would say. Headed GM for Outdoor Cooking initiative with Bedok North GB. Things happened here and there. Gotten frustrated. I wasn't the only one, a few felt the same as well. Shan't elaborate. (if you know you know; if you dunno don bother.) Outdoor Cooking ended. Discussion of camp plan w/ cas & jean. Brought out certain pts to them but it seems like they don understand? Nevermind. Initial plan was to Camp Christine but changed. Headed to *scape park to find Esther. Reached there not long, super heavy downpour. Stucked in rain for quite some time. On the way home, cousin's car got banged cos of some freak. Got shocked; trembling. Annaleigh too i thnk? Homed to Esther's. Ate. Finally homed @ 1230am.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Dooms!!
Tired. Extremely tired. More incomings no outgoings. ARGHHHHH!!
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wrong Wrong Wrong
Things aren't going the way it supposed to be. Every thing is mixed up. No clarification. No clarity. It's all muffled up. Going from good to bad, bad to worse. Beyond the point of salvage. Nothing is uttered. Every thing remains in the grey zone. Has no one thought of death? I wondered. No more troubles. No more fretting. Seriously i doubt i'm able to take it anymore. More pourings = more hurtings I hurt myself yet again. I failed to keep the promise. It's hard; really really hard. The fear is enuf to take me away. If today was my last day, All i would say to my loved ones. Take good care of yourself. Live life to the fullest! You'll always be remembered.
Farewell.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Fear
Suddenly i fear. I feared so much that i couldn't get things done. I'm lost. The fear make me handicapped! No directions seen. Aimlessly wondering soul. It came and it stayed and never go. I wondered. Trying to distract, but i failed. Uselessness is the only thing felt. It's hard, really really hard. I need major distractions!! I need numbness!! ARGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Never felt that much. Zipped still.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Zipped.
Shutting myself out, i feel lost. I can't help. :( Things reached the stage whereby i can't even voice it out. Found out certain things, i can't bring myself to say it out. I decided to keep things to myself, it may be a form of silent torture to myself but i guess is the best way out.
The realization of certain things make me dumbfounded. I'm lost. Totally lost in a foreign world. The darkness is scary. The cold freeze me. The pain hounds me wherever i go. I need to voice out, but i can't.
I failed myself every single thing. Numbing is the best way out but still, too long numbness will make you immune that you don even sense the numbness. I need reliever! I need to clear my lungs!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.!!! This shows how useless and redundant i am!!
It totally sucks!!
Monday, October 26, 2009
Calendar.
Just worked out my planner for Nov & Dec. I will be super pack during the hols with endless camps. :D
Packed with full of camps and i was scolded crazy for it?? If you cant accept it, too bad den. This is who i am and wad i love doing.
Tired-ness.
I'm super tired! tired to the max. I guess i cant blame anyone else but myself?? I was the one that caused myself to be tired. All the doings that I've done to myself. I just got the accept the fact. Nothing's going to change.
Sorry to all. Thanks for your concern. The decision shall be final.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Keeping silence.
I have decided. From now onwards, i'm not going to utter a single thing, i'm not going to utter a single word. Everything shall move in a silent precision motion. I've decided to keep my mouth shut unless required. I wouldn't utter a single nonsense. Things have come to this stage, it's my only solution out. I cant help. I'm useless. I rather suffer everything silently even thou i really yearn for a companion. Nvm. Wad's done cannot be undone. Shall just cont with my 'indulgence' of the piling workload that i had.
2 days; 48 hours. I slept 8 hours or maybe even lesser. Down with fever and flu but i choose to ignore. Brave front shown. No one realised so i just ignore. Not seeking attention. Guess ignoring it is the best way ever. You may think is crazy but for me no. Its called numbing. Numbing your body sensitivity from the happenings. Not a bad idea either.
Tmr is yet another day. 7am out and house and late late return. I guess is yet another less den 6 hours sleeping night. Down with fever, flu and headache. No medications taken. I shall see how long it can last me. 1 day? 2 days? or a week? That's the best way out!
Friday, October 23, 2009
Numbness???
'My prescence just makes others unhappy! Wad for carry on with life??'
Happened to bump onto this somewhere and it pretty well reminded me of myself and my presence.
I really dread my presence on earth. I make people suffering. I'm under going no less sufferings either. I guess that's the retribution that i get? Blame myself for my own cause! I deserved it all!! No blamings and no rantings will be done to others.
Certain facts are still not right! I still don see the link to it. It kept me wondering every moment. I really don understand!! Fretting about happnenings when i'm not buzzing myself with work.
Lots of work to be done yet nothing is done. I hate myself for being who i am now and i hate myself for wad i've done. I truly dunno what's going to happen to me sooner or later. It simply sucks. That describes it all.
---
Down with super bad stomach cramp and headache but i wouldn't blame anyone, ONLY myself.
I guess the paranoid feeling in me isnt going to go till things are solved. Certain things is hard to say out. I really wish for the one fine day to come when i can voice it out. I need to talk. I've wasted my chance for a companion. No one to talk to now. Again, i blame myself and no one else. Shutting out may be the solution i guess??
Nevermind. I shall stop it. Wadever comes in the way, i'll just accept. Suffering in silence seems to be the optimum way out for now.
Sorry to one and all.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
No title.
I'm sorry if i've yet make you angry again. I must be sick in the mind. My words sounds harsh but i really don mean it. I really trying hard to forgive myself. Really really hard. Saying is easy; action is hard. I'm sorry if i failed the task. :'(
To Cordelia, Joanne & HuiShan,
I'm sorry i choose to shut myself out. I know you all are concerned about me but i really cant help. Certain things aren't as easy to say it out. Or rather i have yet to accept the fact of it happening. I guess i need time. Wad more do i really need is numbness. Numbing myself is the best option out i guess? No way left. Time being the only remedy now that can heal me. I must be a super baddie that makes you all worry for me that much. Thanks for the concern. I'm really sorry once again. Pardon me. :'(
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Screams!!
Arghhhhhh!!!!!!!
I need to scream of my lungs!!! Too many happenings!! People around me also seems to be suffering the same symptoms as me. We are all feeling the same!!! :'(
I need reliever badly. I guess i'm hurting myself by doing sth that i shouldn't have done. 'Indulging' myself into the reeks of alcohol with stomach flu! Wahahahaha!!! Congrats me!! :D
BYE!!!
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Sucks
Too many things happened lately. I dunno wad to say or how to deal with. Life truthfully sucks. Many things started hounding me non stop. I couldn't do anything but to accept. Experiencing extremely bad headache and chest contractions almost everyday. No remedy or rather body showing rejections to the medications. I think i'm leaving soon; pretty soon. I think i will be brought away to the other world. Both headache and contractions results sleepless night. Ended up even worst with no sleep. This is why i concluded. I'm leaving soon. I cant help but to think in such a way. I detest who i am; i detest wad i'm experiencing now. ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Neverending.
Farewell!
Monday, October 19, 2009
Disclaimer.
All the postings have got no hidden agenda. I blogged as i had no where else to vent out. I dunno if you'll be reading but if you do, don take it in heart. I need a place to lease out. I'm sorry!
Failure?
Brave front was easy. But I was soft. I thou i could use it as a form of shield. A shield that i would show to one and all that i have to face. But i failed myself; failed horrendously !
Feelings.
I still sense the fear in me. Thou as said, the air is clear; the breathing is normal. Still, i fear. I really doubt my ability to distraction of my attention. Everything was prefectly normal before retiring to bed. Somehow, lying on bed makes me recall every thing. Every single moment. Thou i was assured that nothing will happen, but still i fear. Will time really numb me?? Will sinning really make me feel better?? I kept myself wondering through the entire night. I couldn't sleep. Mind was filled with nasty thoughts. I promised no foolish acts but i have the feeling of acting it. I really wonder my ability; my ability of forgiving myself for the sinful act. I feel emptiness; extremely empty.
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Harsh.
It happened. I feel the pain! Its extremely painful!!! What hurts more is to see a harmless person undergoing all the pains!!! I shattered. I feared. It all passed. Now, i pray; i hope; i yearn. For her to take good care of herself. Darkness came over us. Everything is going in different ways. Life still have to goes on. Many things came pouring on me. No one to talk to about. I don blame others but myself. Family going apart pretty soon. I sense the fear in me once again. I really hope she takes good care of herself. No matter wad, i'm still around. I will still stand quietly by your side. Not going to make myself a nuisance. I deserved the silent treatment. But still, I miss you! Deep down inside me, a big big hole is formed. So please! If you read this, by taking good care of yourself is the best return to me in all!
To You
Things may have come to the worst as expected but i just want you to know, we'll have to pull it thru the hardest period. I was at fault; i caused it all to happen. I'm sorry once again. I don plead for forgiveness as i know its hard. I don pester as i know its irritating. For now, all i'm asking for is you to take good care of yourself!! I don need things in return. You taking care of yourself living happily with your friends is the best return that you can give. As read, suicidal thots brushed passed your mind. Same things happened exactly to me in the middle of the night; every single night. If you read this, take it as i beg you; plead you. DO NOT DO ANYTHING WRONG DUE TO YOUR IMPULSE. If anything really happens to you, i will NEVER forgive myself! Not trying to threaten you or anything but truly, i still treasure you as a friend; a companion rather. I really don wish to see things happening to you due to me. I'm sorry once again!! Please live happily!! That's the best return. Loves.
Emotionless
I sense it coming. Yet i still fear the truth. I dare not ask for an ans. I felt the fear of losing. The surge of fear is worst than the fear of death! I sense death coming on the way.
Somehow i just choose to remain silent and let everything goes to place itself. I don have the guts to seek and ask for an ans. I fear. I fear the lost of a companion. I fear the lost of a listener. Thou it seems that it had already happened just that i never accept the fact of it.
Short term torture is better den long term torture. Saying is easy, doing is hard. I would rather i suffer den you suffering. It hurt, truly it does. Not going to ask for more. I just pray hard for the better thou its never going to happen AT ALL.
I guess you may be reading this. Don let it affect ur decision if you have already decide. I will respect your decision. It's your choice on whether are you going to tell me about it or not. No doubt, i will still stand by you. That's the best i can give back in return. Not asking for much. If you really choose to end it off, i'm just asking for a --- to bade goodbye.
Putting on a brave front yet i fear more than death.
The feeling in me is awful.
It's too late; too late to regret.
Numbness???
Numbing myself from the real world outside. It seems easy yet hard. For a short period of time, its easy. For a long period of time, its extremely hard. Pretending to be a person that i aren't, its hard. Guess the best way of numbing would either be self mutilation if not to drink. Drink till drunk is the best way out. Self mutilation hurts much but soon, it will be numbness when done repeatedly. 2 pretty good options for me to choose. Remaining in a sober state, i feel down. Really really down to the extend of nasty thoughts brushing pass me. Should i go ahead with it??
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Pondering
It kept me wondering for hours and hours.
Izzit jealousy running in me ???
OR
Am i just paranoid about my surroundings???
----
I felt the pain. I'm useless. I shall accept wadever that comes in the way. If it really happens, i'm will not pester for forgiveness. Understood the decision. All i will, is to keep silence. No matter wadever that happens, i will still standby you. That's for sure. Prepared for the worst. Nevertheless, wishing for the best thou.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Sorry!! :'(
Yet and again i asked myself, should i??? Misery pourings never ended. I apologize!! Couldn't help. Numbing seems useless. Tortured once again. Suffering in silence is the best i could do. I'M SORRY!!! :'(
Monday, October 12, 2009
49th Day w/o you.
It pretty seems like getting over you is a super big hurdle for me. I have yet to get over it so have others. How i wish that we can go back to the past. I WANN YOU BACK BADLY!!! :'(
Paying respect to you yet there are still arguments and all going on. Witnessing close knitted relatives that i have fighting and disputing over the distribution of wealth and miscommunications, my heart is painfully bleeding! Thou the initial start of the argument wasn't over the distribution of wealth; it was all started by a miscommunication. Trying to get things clear but yet more oil was added to the fire. All i could was just to sit aside and watch helpless what's going on and going wrong within the family. I believe both granddad and grandma wouldn't wish for this to happen at all!!! Now that it has come to this stage, itz totally beyond salvage!!! No matter how hard we try and pull back the r/s, the scars will be there forever. The feeling totally sucks! I want back the past!! I want the 2 of you back!!! :'(
----
Many many many things happened over the week! It kept me thinking all the while. Am i still of usefulness living on earth or am i just an excess wasting resources??? Considered as one of the darkest period of my life?? Pouring and pourings flow in non stop. I really feel like letting all the sufferings come to an end. Itz a total torture. Living in such a life of mine is completely worthless. Can i bade goodbye to one and all??? Incoming of never-ending problems and yet none solved. Sufferings in silence is the best i can do. Numbing myself from the real world, i feel cold.
Bade-ing is the last time. Goodbye to one and all.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Apologies!!
I guess my rantings and all will come to a stop pretty soon. Thou i know you aren't going to force me to say things out. I doubt i would bother you with problems. You should led bright and cheerful life!! Sorry for everything that i've done to make you worry! Thank you very much!
Bye! (L)
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Thoughts and feelings
The previous 2 posts were posted for a reason. Both the songs describes my thinking. Certain things; certain actions; i cant bring myself to say it out is all in the lyrics.
Second chance Tell my mother, Tell my father I've done the best I can To make them realize This is my life I hope they understand I'm not angry, I'm just saying... Sometimes goodbye Is a second chance
No Surprise It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow I can't believe that I stayed till today There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow There's nothing here in this soul left to say
Sometimes i really think that goodbye is a second chance. It gives me the tots of doing things that i've been pondering long long ago. BUT the fact of cetain things stopped me. How i wish i really could say goodbye at times :S Nevertheless, don be surprised if this day really fall and drop upon me. Life is hard to predict. No one is able to know wad's going to happen.
That's all. Goodbye. :)
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Second Chance - Shinedown
Second Chance My eyes are open wide And by the way, I made it Through the day I watched the world outside By the way, I'm leaving out Today
I just saw Hayley's comet She waved Said why you always running In place? Even the man in the Moon disappeared Somewhere in the Stratosphere
[Chorus] Tell my mother, Tell my father I've done the best I can To make them realize This is my life I hope they understand I'm not angry, I'm just saying... Sometimes goodbye Is a second chance
Please don't cry One tear for me I'm not afraid of What I have to say This is my one and Only voice So listen close, it's Only for today
I just saw Hayley's comet She waved Said why you always running In place? Even the man in the Moon disappeared Somewhere in the Stratosphere
[Chorus] Tell my mother, Tell my father I've done the best I can To make them realize This is my life I hope they understand I'm not angry, I'm just saying... Sometimes goodbye Is a second chance
Here's my chance This is my chance
Tell my mother, Tell my father I've done the best I can To make them realize This is my life I hope they understand I'm not angry, I'm just saying... Sometimes goodbye Is a second chance
Sometimes goodbye Is a second chance [x2]
Monday, October 5, 2009
No surprise - Chris Daughtry
No surprise - Chris Daughtry I've practiced this for hours, gone round and round And now I think that I've got it all down And as I say it louder, I love how it sounds Cause I'm not taking the easy way out Not wrappin' this in ribbons Shouldn't have to give a reason why
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow I can't believe that I stayed till today Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
It came out like a river once I let it out When I thought that I wouldn't know how Held onto it forever, just pushing it down Felt so good to let go of it now Not wrapping this in ribbons Shouldn't have to give a reason why
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow I can't believe that I stayed till today There's nothing here in this heart left to borrow There's nothing here in this soul left to say
Don't be surprised when we hate this tomorrow God knows we tried to find an easier way Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
Our favorite place we used to go The warm embrace that no one knows The loving look that's left your eyes That's why this comes as no, as no surprise
If I could see the future and how this plays out I bet it's better than where we are now But after going through this It's easier to see the reason why
It's no surprise I won't be here tomorrow I can't believe that I stayed till today (Stayed till today) Yeah you and I will be a tough act to follow But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
Our favorite place we used to go The warm embrace that no one knows The loving look that's left your eyes But I know in time we'll find this was no surprise
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Apologies!!
Sincere apologies to one and all. Sorry for the long and naggy posts recently. Things happened and i need a ranting place. Now that many things have come to an end, Is either i do short and sweet posts, If not i may not be posting as exams are nearing. =S
To all those taking EOY these few weeks, ALL THE BEST!! STUDY HARD AND BRING THE BEST OUT IN YOU!! GET THE GRADES YOU WANN!! JIAYOU & GOODLUCK!!
With loves. JingFang :)
Case by case basis
Problem 1 You badmouth people and yet you talked the wrong things??? Trying to attract our attention?? Let me tell you, it's never going to happen. Don wait; don ponder. We just ain't giving you the chance to even talk to us. Twisting and turning of words in front of people. 2 different set of stories from the original occurrence! You think that we wouldn't give get the change to know a single stuff? YOU'RE UTTERLY WRONG!! THAT'S ALL THAT I CAN SAY. You let people misunderstood that we were against them. In the actual fact that we aren't against them but you! So here's the advice! Get lost and find a world of your own. You love backstabbing so find some other place and other target to back-stab. You choose the wrong target. Here's a warning. SHOULD YOU NOT STOP AND MORE PROBLEMS PERSIST, BEAR THE CONSEQUENCES YOURSELF! :)
Problem 2 You want things to silent down and people eventually forgetting it after some time. Yes! Its possible BUT you dare promise that you're able to resist that temptations in wadever comes next?? Don give the lame excuse that she's alone in this country so you're afraid that things might happen. Let me tell you this! If i'm you, i definitely would want a patch instead of a divorce. Think back. You don even have to shoulder a single cent of your household finance. Every single thing is shouldered by her inclusive of your children education. If you don have money, just a call and you'll have it. Definitely you wouldn't want a divorce. You gave the reason that you love the family alot. Think back again. How many chances were you given alr?? You took things at your advantage. You had fun outside and the sufferings were all shouldered by her ALONE. FYI, IF NOT FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR 2 KIDS, SHE WOULD HAVE LONG BADE GOODBYE TO YOU!!
Advice to J: I rather you end this off fast and quick. Yes! It can bring sufferings to the kids. However, short term sufferings are definitely better than long term sufferings!! Get it over and done with and i believe your kids will definitely stand by you so do us. Nevertheless itz still your call. Make a careful decision that work out best for all. You have my support. :)
Problem 3 Told you to end off the sufferings fast and quick years back. You ignored. Every single time when problem arises, you seek help from us. I shall make it clear with you. R/s is between 2 and not more than that. We're only there to advice and support you. Now things happened again. You seek help. We helped. Problem got worst as she felt that we were busybody poking our nose into your affair. You got frustrated of it as to you, family means a lot a lot. Frankly telling you, none of us in the family likes her. We all felt the same. She's not worth your persistence. If you could, listen to us for once. End it off fast if not you will only bring more sufferings to yourself and your dad esp. I do know that you still love her but think of the treatment that you get from her every single time. You're always badly abused. That's not sth that should be happening in a r/s if the couple's loving. Having to see you undergo this process, it's painfully in the heart. Thou we are only cousins but the blood runs in us. So please! Take it as i beg you! Is either you talk and work things out amicably with her. If not be harsh and give a straight slash between the 2 of you. That's all i'm going to say. Final decision still lies in you. SORRY FOR SOME HARSH MEANING.WE CANT BEAR TO SEE YOU UNDERGO THOSE SUFFERINGS YET AND AGAIN. WE WILL ALWAYS BE THERE FOR YOU. HOWEVER, PLEASE THINK CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU ACT. :)
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Sick! :'(
Biggest biggest revenge for me is to be sick. Woke up with extremely bad cough. :( Nvm. Shall take it as a punishment for certain things that had happened. The pain is unbearable too. Not going to complain or grumble; i will bear with wadever that comes in the way. Accept the fate and destiny of leading this life.
Over.
Things cleared but still i'm paranoid with myself for doing such thing on a harmless person. The hurt must have been deep. :(
As promised, this will be the 1st and last time. If itz ever going to happen again, i shall leave the world and bade goodbye to one and all!
Thanks for forgiving and still being a good companion. Indeed you're really a kind soul at heart. :) All the best for your exams. Study hard. =)
A friend in need is a friend indeed. :) Glad that it didnt break thru halfway. :)
Friday, October 2, 2009
Reminisce
Recalling back then on how we met. It a long long story. Wasn't really that close to you initially. However, you choose me out of the so many people to relate your problems to. Really happy that i was the one you could confide in. Upon hearing the happenings, the past was brought back to me. Never really affect much at the initial stage as 'j' was locked up. Worried for you when wild tots ran in your mind.
Happenings and happenings showered on me endlessly within a short period of time without a pause. Didn't really wanted to bother you back then but you rendered a helping hand. The pourings on me definitely brought u sufferings as well. Wild tots of ending everything putting a full stop to it seems hard. Couldn't bear the pain yet again. The piercing feeling running in me is enuf to kill me thoroughly.
You assured me that nothing major's going to happen. Somehow i still felt lost. Lost in the midst of no where. Aimlessly wondering. Nagged and scolded for thinking too much over useless stuff but still, it couldn't stop. I'm SORRY! I hurt myself yet again.
This post isn't a way to make you regret certain actions. Neither is it your fault. SO PLEASE DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!!. Itz just the weird-ness in me that suddenly came out of no where, putting me in a spot. Nevertheless, am still going to accept whatever that comes in the way.
(I know you would be blaming yourself after reading this. You really don have to!! I blogged and posted it as a reminder for myself. It's really not your fault. So PLEASE DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!!)
Thanks one and all for everything that you'll have done. May all the sufferings come to an end. Live life to the fullest. Enjoy life!! That's the best you could help.
(L) Goodbye.
It's hard; truthfully hard!
Trying my best to distract my attention away from things; It seems like an easy task like i always told myself. Having to try it once and again; I failed myself for the task.
Couldn't help, couldn't control; Nasty thoughts brushed past within a moment. Wasn't in the clarity state of mind; On the verge of action, i stopped myself. Wondering and pondering; Many many things came across. Trying to stop myself in the middle of a silent night; I failed yet again.
Overcome by numbness; I never felt the pain. Recalling the past; I questioned myself yet again. Worth the sacrifice; I hurt myself times beyond.
Trying hard to stop it all; It appears as a never-ending storyline. Tortured and traumatized; Bear the sufferings yet alone. All i could is to pray for miracles.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Paranoid.
No where else to voice out thus im going to do it here!
Getting paranoid about myself recently. Is either i'm thinking too much about things. If not it means that sth is very wrong in me. Mind full of wild thots after you mentioned about the letter you're giving me.
This time round i'm wondering if history is going to repeat yet again. IF it really does repeats, i seriously have got nothing to say. The fear is overcoming me and making me paranoid over every single things that i do!!
Shall try my best and let things be the way it should be. Not fretting; not pondering. (not an easy task) Prepared for the worst that could ever happen.
I shall take this chance here and tell you. No matter what happens from now on, i'm not (trying my best) going to force you to voice it out to me. I will listen if you're willing to say. If not, i will juz let it brush pass us. Forcing things out isn't the best way. It only hurts more instead of helping. I'm sorry for wad i did in the past. Upon realizing it, I hope itz not too late. Nevertheless, i still hope that you would speak out to me. No matter wad, i'm always there if you need. You can try brushing me away; showering me a cold shoulder; ignoring me to the max; entering a cold war etc, i will still standby you!.
That's all i'm going to say. I will still cont'd to tell you things but definitely not during ur exam period. Good Luck for your EOY! All the best!.
